I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
