I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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