I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
