I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
