I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Panties = found
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize