my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
