if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
