He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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