you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
