Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
