Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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