T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
