I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
