There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize