I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
