you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
