Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
