I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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