I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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