we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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