Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
