wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize