For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
