You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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