I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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