Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
