You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Is it penis luge time yet?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Randomize
