That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize