i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
