just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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