Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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