I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
