Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
