I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
