@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
