and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
