Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
