I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
