You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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