dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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