not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
