booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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