overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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