You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Randomize
