nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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