Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
