Need sex. Gaining weight.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
