Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
