Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
if only i could text you this smell
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
