life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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