So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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