I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
