now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
