her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
