You can't motorboat a personality
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
