I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
