i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize