I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I FOUND THE LEGS
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
