it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
