You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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