Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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