im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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