I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
