walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
