Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Is Oprah even human
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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