I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
