My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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