so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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