just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
