Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
