He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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