So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize