you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize