He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
