Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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